rivers and roads till i reach you

WARNING:
entirely melancholy indulgent and sad. do not read if you want lighthearted. you were warned.

excerpt from this morning's journal:

time is a rambling vicious beast. i collect little vessels of time passage. there are tupperwares, vases, milk jugs and ziploc baggies with masking tape dates marked on them in my mind. for example, in the dairy case at the store, i make a mental note that the expiration dates i see are that much closer to October than the present moment. how many more pages in my devotional until the fall? the thickness, though smaller than the width of my pinky becomes a concrete brick on my chest. sigh. no matter how you slice it, 6 months and 14 days seems like a chasm that never closes. so you see, without even trying, my mind runs on a ticker (like the old fashioned train stations making the loud clicks as the flaps change the time/destination) a never ending countdown. its not that i want to live this way! my heart wants to be satisfied in the moment, thankful to God for each breath and sunbeam... not reaching and yearning for something on the horizon.

photo credit: surfer girls by kelco

(as a brief explanation, my husband is incarcerated and has been since 2011, and will be home, Lord willing, October 3, 2013)

mamma said there'd be days like these

have you ever watched someone else's kids and found yourself to be on your best behavior with them AND your own? suddenly you are creative, patient and even cut up carrot sticks just so. If not, this post might still make sense... even though i didn't tell the whole facebook world today what a good mom i am (just telling the whole blogosphere) i did have the urge to update my status during each bonding moment. because today it was if i had a supervisor or other little kids making sure i was on my best "mom game". i didn't have any visitors, but i totally brought it. (if i do say so myself)

pinterest "goo" recipe of cornstarch and dish soap! so great and a "clean" mess!

today i was the mom i always envisioned myself to be. life and sin gets in the way and usually i feel like i am carrying around a 100lb weight of guilt for all the "mommy things" i am not doing. well, someone should have been secretly video recording my day (and this day only) because I was all the things i hope to ever be to my little ones: patient, spontaneous, tickle-loving, hide-and-seek-playing, soccer ball kicking, devotional reading, cookie baking, craft making BOMB!

the reason i write all of this is not to show YOU or myself "see, was that so hard?" and feel the standard and pressure to live up to each day with my children to be super mom, but to remind myself that just like my bad days, i have good ones, too. Lord willing, these memories will outweigh the ones where i let them watch Curious George one too many times, give endless refills of goldfish, or I want to bake (or just simply do anything) alone.

today, God gave me a gift to be present with them and tend to their little hearts. tomorrow, i pray, i will have the same reserves and patience, but i am only human. thank you God, for loving me and speaking to my heart. (today's children's devo in Big Truths for Little Kids was on Samuel and the little boy who heard God's voice. )

P.S. the day still isn't over, so i am totally humble and praying that the other shoe could drop right in my face and all this mojo would be over. if that's the case, i will celebrate the little victories.