"something is not right"

Sometimes the mind is so foggy. The brain so dense. All that matters is the immediate.

the dishes. the pleas. the schoolwork. the laundry. the bills. dear neighbor knocking at the door.

When all that matters is the immediate, the future becomes a mere response to the present. Sound too philosophical? Let me explain.

I thought this season with my husband home would be easier, lighter. In actuality, it is richer & happier, but no less full. Days pass with laughter and gratitude where a year ago, there was yearning and emptiness. That being said, the whirlwind of life has left my body in the dust. Juggling roles of entrepreneur, mom, homeschool teacher, WIFE, writer (not really), and custodian has left me wondering where I last placed myself.

i do not mean the "lost sense of self" in the way that advertisers appeal to our core of indulgence and self-gratification. (i.e.: "you deserve it", "take time for you", et al) but the way you can drive 60 miles home and enter your front door and find you never thought once about a right or left turn signal. the way i have been on overdrive out of necessity has left me and everyone in my path able to witness my harried, distracted, inattentive self.

something has to change. ..
parched. pulled. dry. barren. stretched. weary. exhausted. 

Late night talks, mid-day discussions, dreams of a better way led us to this morning. A morning of emotional/spiritual health inventory (Peter Scazzero's book the Emotionally Healthy Church applies to individuals just as well as a body of believers) left my husband and I identifying the lurking tumor beneath the surface of our fast days. Sometimes the 911 call doesn't just come from drive-by shootings in the Bronx, or drug overdoses in addicts, but also in the mundane, a middle-aged person slips and falls from a ladder hanging Christmas lights. There can be danger lurking, sin unexposed in the most admirable circumstances. We aren't dealing with the scandal (thankfully not like 3 years ago), the violent, the cataclysmic or the catastrophic, but the ever present itching that "Something is not right", to quote Miss Clavel.

it takes a leader, a lover of Jesus, one attuned to the Holy Spirit, one who years for shalom- peace. it took my husband to say "this is not sustainable and things will change". 

the how-to, plan-of-attack, follow-through, action plan is another issue. what will our new restructured lives look like as i learn to let go, trust God and lean on Him everyday other than myself? i am not sure of the future, but i am sure that He is privy to much more than i can even conceive or imagine.

When I am afraid, I put my trust in you. In God, whose word I praise, in God I trust; I shall not be afraid. What can flesh do to me? -Psalm 56: 3-4

Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. Proverbs 3:5

I know that his will is perfect and in that I have hope. I have a new heart and a renewed joy. A joy that is dependent on Him who is faithful and just. (not a hope in security, safety, jobs, weight loss, new purchases, etc. as all of those are not faithful and enduring. esp narrowing of my hips.)

what about you, sweet friend? is there something lurking beneath the surface that leaves you sleepless, wanting and exhausted? take it from a fellow burden bearer (ask my chiropractor) that the burdens you bear, no matter how mundane and conventional, eventually add up and never get lightened on their own. something eventually breaks. i pray it is your heart before your back. as He can give you a new heart and take up residence in it. may the yoke of this life not be one you try to bear on your own, as it is too heavy. 

"Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.” Matthew 11:28-30