eucharisteo in Molasses

Slow like molasses...

Time moves slow like molasses.  Or should I say I feel like I am moving in molasses amidst a spinning whirlwind. I am not sure exactly why this is happening. All right, maybe I can give one reason time seems like a fickle mistress. My husband of ten years will return to our home and our little lives after being gone for almost 2 ½  long years. 

I have measured time in all sorts of fonts and formats. How many more cups of coffee will I have until that fateful day in October arrives? Too many. Each cup seems to pass through my mouth like sludge. My belly is sated but I drink voraciously as if my present life couldn’t keep ticking if I took my lips from the mug. As I gulp breaths of air in vain, I see the vessel is empty and another day is done. Another cup of coffee finished in a rapid slow motion.

In this midst of this limbo I have longed and yearned vocally to the Lord. Please, take me away from this house- just for the remaining weeks, days and hours I have left to abide in this no-man’s –land dwelling. Anywhere but here, Lord. Didn’t I cry out this same plea at the beginning of our sentence two years ago? Am I such an irreverent soul that I learn not my lesson of ungratefulness the first time?

As I vocalized my growth and valleys to numerous sisters and friends, I would transparently share in a slightly arrogant and reproachful way: “I found myself wanting to move from the pain, escape it. As humans we want to slip from under the pressing weight of discomfort and agony. Sometimes we are meant to just abide in the “Dark Night of the Soul” and find God’s redeeming love amidst the storm.” I would say. Like the Psalmist trying to have a self “pep talk” with my soul, I am reminding myself of truths I once learned, but like a child have forgotten my way. I want out. Out of pain, waiting, enduring and longing.

What can relieve this palpable state of gray? A splash of color from a vacation? Distraction in a project? Mindless wandering elsewhere? A shot (or two) of whiskey?

My heart knows the truest place I feel content is when I am giving thanks. Ann Voskamp’s voice has been a beacon in my ears. As I bustle throughout my days and chores- I learn how to give thanks. You’d think something so simple would be easy. If it were so, she wouldn’t have written a compelling book on one thing: eucharisteo: Giving Thanks. Self-diagnosing can be a dangerous sport when using a tool such as WebMD. However, self-diagnosing CAN be done when the Holy Spirit is the one actually doing the recommending. What have I been prescribed for this restless discontent heart is THANKS.

“ Suffering nourishes grace.” “Labors of grief birth into greater grace. Isn’t this the crux of the Gospel?”- Ann Voskamp

In the  coming 27 days, I will  take the Joy Dare and “Give thanks in all things”- finding the beauty, glory, joy, peace, rest and gifts that my precious Saviour has lavished on me since the day of His death. How can I demand anymore than that? I can’t. Yet, like a proud lover, he lavishes my days with trinkets, tokens, gifts, words, blessings far beyond my comprehension to create- if only I can have the eyes and ears to behold them.

27 days

of  looking and listening to my Saviour’s voice to keep me in a state of homeostasis

27 days

of  learning to consciously give thanks

27 days

and then 27x1,000,000 thereafter to be content.

Here is September’s Joy Dare, will you join me?

This ain't no drive-thru religion

Feast: A four-course succulent meal. Complete with: a fork(salad and dinner), spoon, knife, napkin, bread plate, water glass, wine glass, dinner plate and of course- an appetite. 

Snack: A nibble here or there of granola bar, bites of this or that, enough to eat and run.

Dear Jesus,
Do I feast on you like a satisfying meal giving me strength and satiety?
or
Do I take nibbles of your Word, sips of prayer and crumbs of attentiveness to your Spirit? 

If I were to encounter You lakeside on a beautiful sunny day like today, would my attention to you be divided and distracted? Could you count on me to pour liquid gold (my time and adoration) at your feet and not be worried over treasure lost?

ok, ok. maybe for a day or two i would rise early, stay in the hot sun, hang on your words and fall in love with you. 

but love can fade if not tended on a normal basis. i don't mean a familial kind of love where once you are blood when you always "love" someone no matter the distance or detachment. i mean the verb love. the one that is active and alive.

i would (as i now do) fall into the reliability and predictability of life. the day-to-day grind. my feet would dance in the same two-step pattern they had taken the previous 24 hours.

The answers hurt because the truth of the matter is that my months, days, and hours are spent scurrying to and fro. Not staying, not lingering. But instead, nibbling your Gospel as if peanuts can fill this ravenous whole of myself. Your love, your sacrifice is food to be devoured like a burger to a starving beggar. Because, after all, that is what I am.

"Whoever feeds on my flesh and drinks my blood has eternal life, and I will raise him up on the last day." John 6:54

But we have hope.

But we have hope.

All throughout God’s Word, we hear the resonant sound of hope being rung. Overall, this Hope that much of the New Testament (namely Paul’s writings) refers to is something that we will see not here on Earth, but once we are resurrected with Christ. 

“the faith and love that spring from the hope stored up for you in heaven and about which you have already heard in the true message of the gospel” –Col1:5

But I am reminded that just as we wait expectantly, this hope is doing something beneficial in us as we wait for the Gospel to be fully realized in us. 

Just as I await the return of my husband to our home after a two and a half year absence, I know that even in the midst of this painful waiting process, God is doing a good work. So often I want to yell: “But what about in the meantime?! (July-October!)” (Take heart, Ashley) Alas, Christ is working in both my heart and my husband’s. May I wait like a bride for her husband in both aspects. Knowing that the one will only be a foretaste to actually seeing my God on That Day.

So I will not lose heart or hope in the waiting game, knowing that this “limbo” or “almost but not yet” is the anticipation to a much sweeter future than I could never imagine.

“In the same way, the gospel is bearing fruit and growing throughout the whole world—just as it has been doing among you since the day you heard it and truly understood God’s grace. “ -Col1:6

rivers and roads till i reach you

WARNING:
entirely melancholy indulgent and sad. do not read if you want lighthearted. you were warned.

excerpt from this morning's journal:

time is a rambling vicious beast. i collect little vessels of time passage. there are tupperwares, vases, milk jugs and ziploc baggies with masking tape dates marked on them in my mind. for example, in the dairy case at the store, i make a mental note that the expiration dates i see are that much closer to October than the present moment. how many more pages in my devotional until the fall? the thickness, though smaller than the width of my pinky becomes a concrete brick on my chest. sigh. no matter how you slice it, 6 months and 14 days seems like a chasm that never closes. so you see, without even trying, my mind runs on a ticker (like the old fashioned train stations making the loud clicks as the flaps change the time/destination) a never ending countdown. its not that i want to live this way! my heart wants to be satisfied in the moment, thankful to God for each breath and sunbeam... not reaching and yearning for something on the horizon.

photo credit: surfer girls by kelco

(as a brief explanation, my husband is incarcerated and has been since 2011, and will be home, Lord willing, October 3, 2013)

I am more

(because of You) I am more

more than a circumstance I cannot control

more than an ox with a burden

more than a series of catalogued mistakes

more than an broken soul crying out

I am more than

‘just’ a woman in a pair of high heels
more than ‘just’ a mom, exhausted and fulfilled
more than a set of morals & pleasantries

more than an embarrassed, clumsy, graceless, loud & unruly child

Because of You

I am peaceful

I am weightless

I am forgiven

I am redeemed

I am unconditionally loved

I am understood

I am KNOWN

I am embraced

Ashley Jackson 2011

this is love

after an amazingly romantic weekend with my love in seattle, i thought that i might share a different kind of love on this v day. when we look at our own love lives- the way we show it to our significant others, we find that surprisingly, it is filled with much self-interest, jealousy, fickleness and just plain misdirected emotions. i have had my share of "lover's quarrels" and spats over my lifetime and will, unfortunately continue to do so (hopefully on a less frequent basis). our society & culture is so in need of love- but have a hard time getting past the sin that marrs it, but we are not left without an example of real love.


anneli anderson, potter

 thank goodness we are not left with an existential feeling of despair that all is hopeless & fleeting in regards to amore. God gave us ultimate love- and the purest form of it:
This is real love--not that we loved God, but that he loved us and sent his Son as a sacrifice to take away our sins.
1 John 4:10
so, while we are left to fend for ourselves in finding out if we should make a steak dinner, buy roses or lillies, jewlery or chocolate, we are not left without an example of true, selfless love. i pray that this valentine's day you are able to seek Him, and model His love in your life. that will be the ultimate gift that even Hallmark's missing out on.

valentine's weekend

sleepover!

thanks to the wonderful folks at Hotel Max, we will have an awesome little getaway across the water in Seattle- just the two of us. my mind is spinning of all the things i want to do and not do. (no diaper chgs., no dinners to make, baths to give, dishes to clean... all for a glorious 24hrs.) basically i plan to not think too much about anything. i hear its supposed to be a cozy 49degrees out, so we might be able to hike around to the diff. neighborhoods. then again, why go out when we can stay in? i love their cozy beds, Aveda toiletries and art filled rooms.

on the food front i recently found out about this restaurant called Lecosho on the Harbor Steps. happy hour appetizers look perfect. but then again, our old standby of Maximillen in the market is always very romantic, very french and very cheap (always a plus!)                                                  

music maestro... lastly, i just was thinking about a good music playlist... any ideas?

i know the video looks sad, but has anyone else thought this song was very... well, kinda sexy?